When the relationship with a narcissist ends, it’s quite different than the average breakup…
The narcissistic relationship cycle goes from: Idealize, to Devalue, to Discard.
In the Idealize phase the “love-bombing” (excessive compliments, charm and other treatment that feels intoxicating) creates a deep emotional “soulmate” type connection to hook the person in. (The narcissist needs to believe that this new person is the greatest thing ever because it feeds their ego.)
But then the Devaluation begins after they realize the person isn’t perfect after all, and this results in put downs, temper tantrums “gaslighting” and other psychological abuse; yet because the emotions run so deep, the person can spend years waiting for the narcissist to go back to the wonderful, loving individual they once were.
The Discard happens after the narcissist finds a new energy “supply” as the luster of the original supply has warn thin, and the cycle starts over.
The person who has been discarded feels shocked and traumatized, in addition to possible jealousy over the new supply and other emotional roller-coaster type experiences. Hindsight is 20-20, and the person can begin to realize other covert behavior such as infidelity that they couldn’t see when their mind was in a “fog”.
In addition, the narcissist seems to sniff out and hit on insecurities such as fear of abandonment, so the discard can feel especially traumatizing.
The relationship itself creates a “trauma bond”, that makes it especially difficult to become psychologically free of. It’s much like getting over a drug addiction, except we are addicted to their approval. Even though the bond feels terrible, the willpower to break free from from it isn’t easy, and the person is usually emotionally drained at this point and has lost their sense of self.
The person is in so much pain, that they can easily get sucked back into the relationship and this is known as “hoovering”. At least the person feels better that they are getting some attention, which is like putting salve on a wound. But if they go back, the abuse will begin again.
For someone who hasn’t experienced this, they may wonder why we can’t simply walk away, and not feel the pain of the bond that is so hard to get rid of.
So how do you get past it? Having the support of someone who has been there with the aid of deep healing work.
Hypnotherapy takes us to the subconscious level of the mind where our emotions are, and helps us instantly de-stress, go into a deep state of rest so that we can recharge, and heal the trauma that we can’t heal on our own. Life coaching tools gives us more ammunition to get on track with our life.
If you’re struggling to move on from a relationship with a narcissist, or the relationship has ended and you’re still feeling stuck, please contact me for help. I’d love to connect with you.
I also invite you to join us in the Facebook group here.